No more hiding, not in my life.

I used to face the world and think to myself, "I am a living lie, and so ashamed of my physical reality that speaking of it hurts."

Finally I came to the realization that hiding myself, that living the lie wasn't doing me any good, in fact, it was killing me, none too slowly. I had the power to change the reality. I had the power to live the truth. I had the power to speak of it without pain.

Now I am taking those powers, and using them. I am changing the physical reality with therapy, surgeries and hormones.

I am living the truth, with binding my chest, living full time for almost two years now, as the man I was meant to be all along. I am to ONLY be called by my chosen name, Lucas. I am speaking openly, owning and moderating a support group specifically for transmales on yahoo, as well as serving as a moderator on a yahoo group for all trans folk (and SOFFAs). I march in the pride parade in St. Louis, go out in public daily as ME. I've been on the front page of The Vital Voice (gay newspaper in St. Louis) speaking out against discrimination faced by trans persons. I wrote a Q&A style article to explain my transition, approximately 18 months ago, if you would like to read it, just email me.

Some people have difficulty understanding me, wrapping their minds around trans males in general. Don't think of us as females becoming male. Think of us as guys, who just happen to have been born with a few birth defects - missing a penis and testicles, the growths of uterus/vagina/ovaries, and the breast development caused by the hormones released by the ovaries. These birth defects are FIXABLE, and before long, _this_ guy will look like any other guy, save for the fact that I'll always be short.

Technically, I am a 36 year old female to male Gay transsexual. This means I am a trans male! I am currently in a body that was born with birth defects that include female parts, but that I know should have been fully male. I WAS living a lie for many years, trying to function as something I’ve known in my soul I was not, for nearly 20. I am in the process of fixing this, these birth defects!

I am becoming that which I have been inside all of my life, a man. I can be raunchy, but also know just how to be a gentleman. I know the difference and respect others and their relationships. I ask the same consideration for me and mine.

I was mostly closeted for the past far too long. I struggle sometimes with expressing myself eloquently in written word. I prefer to be a realist rather than an blind-to-the-risks optimist, or a down and out pessimist. I do believe most anything can be gotten through no matter how bad it may seem, just requires a bit of faith and alot of hard work. I truly believe that without love, life isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I'm seeking friends only, as I am on my journey to become what my spirit aches to be. My path is well lit, no darkness that can overcome the light, and my footsteps are no longer lonely, but accompanied by a bright spirit who has deemed to enter my life and show me what TRUE light is. I have someone real time, who fills my days with laughter, cooling my temper when it flares and stil yet inflaming my senses.

For those who NEED to know surgical/medical status - In December 2006, I had my first surgery, a combination of hysterectomy and oophorectomy. I am on testosterone injections regularly as part of my physical transition.